Strange New Worlds
by xahra99
Summary: Samara's wild past, written for the masskink prompt 'One of the crew comes across a really really old collection of vids of Samara, doing inappropriate things... to lots of people.' Played for laughs.


Strange New Worlds.

A Mass Effect 2 fan fiction by xahra99.

_'Its five year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilisations, to boldly go where no man has gone before_.'-Captain James , Star Trek.

Samara's wild past, for the masskink prompt _'One of the crew comes across a really really old collection of vids of Samara, doing inappropriate things... to lots of people_.'

It was so late at night that it was early in the morning- if time had any meaning in deep space. The Normandy streaked through the cosmos, running on skeleton power. Joker took a sip of juice and turned back to his screen.

"_Mr Moreau_?" EDI said urgently from the console.

"EDI? Can't it wait? I'm b-" He began to say _busy_ but turned it into something that was less obviously a lie. "...otherwise occupied."

EDI made a sound like a bug-zapper and turned herself off, shrinking from a blue beachball to a pinprick of azure light before vanishing into the depths of the _Normandy's _core. Joker had a second to wonder why she had disappeared before a hand fell on his shoulder and he knew _exactly _why. Shepard's boots were so soft on the decking that Joker had never heard the Commander's approach.

"Joker?"

Joker cursed internally. "Yes?" He quickly pressed a button, but as he turned and saw Shepard's expression he knew that the Commander had caught a glimpse of something that was definitely not star maps.

"What's this?" Shepard leant forwards and tapped the monitor. The vid resumed in all its glory.

Joker covered a corner of the screen with his sleeve. "I can explain," he said hurriedly.

Shepard leaned back. "I'm waiting."

"Well, no, actually." Joker said. "I can't."

"There is a time and a place for this sort of thing." Shepard nodded at the writhing blue bodies on the screen. "The place is in your bunk and the time is-not now. I don't think that's safe for work."

Joker had to admit that it was not. "One of my friends mailed it me." He said, as if it made any difference. "He heard we had Samara on our ship, Commander."

He had the honour of seeing Shepard look puzzled. "I fail to see what Samara has to do with this."

"Just watch the vid, Commander." Joker said, and flicked the console commands from _pause _to _play_.

The figures had not ceased writhing. It was hard not to watch. Joker could only guess at the number and species of the participants. The camera, jerky enough to mark the footage as amateur work, zoomed out for a group shot.

Both of them studied the video for a few seconds before Shepard said "Is that-?"

"That _is_." Joker confirmed.

"She hasn't changed much," Shepard said.

Joker rotated his head through sixty degrees in an effort to make more sense of the vid."I think she has, Commander," he said.

"I'll have to have a word. And, Joker?"

"Yes?"

"Get rid of that, will you? I don't care how quiet it is, you don't watch vids on duty. Especially _those_ vids. Got it?"

Joker could have steered the Normandy with his toes had he wanted. He nodded anyway and agreed "Yes, Commander," as he flicked the footage off.

"Samara." Shepard's head shook. "Who'd have thought it?"

For the second time that night, Joker failed to hear someone creeping up behind him..

"Commander?" someone asked in cut-glass accents, and Joker's heart threatened to leap from his chest. He stared fixedly at the blank screen. Samara's body-suit was clear in the reflections in the glass.

"Samara," Shepard said with impressive nonchalance.

"I heard my name. Was there something I could help you with?"

The Commander coughed. "Uh, yes." Joker did his best ever impression of a piece of inanimate furniture as Shepard continued. " Yes, there was. I thought you were asleep."

"An asari of my age has very little need for sleep," Samara said gracefully. "In fact, I have been meaning to ask you about that. If you should like me to take on any extra duties, I would be pleased to accept."

"That won't be necessary," Shepard said quickly. "But-"

"Commander?"

"This is awkward for me to say, but-" Shepard paused. Joker thought that the Commander sounded very young all of a sudden, but then everyone was younger than Samara.

"Yes? If I can help-" Samara broke off. "What is this _about_?"

Shepard coughed. "We found a vid-"

Joker watched as Samara's reflection raised a hand to her mouth. "Oh. My goodness. No need to explain. Commander, I am so sorry."

"No worries," Shepard said. "I just thought that-"

"I had no idea that there were still copies of the noodle incident upon the network!" Samara interrupted.

"The noodle incident?" Shepard said.

Samara's eyes flicked to Joker and then back to the tried his best not to look too interested. "That...wasn't what you meant," she said slowly.

"What I meant-" Shepard said, leaning forwards to flick the vid on again "-was this."

Samara studied the footage for a second before she leaned forwards and paused the vid. "Oh. Well, I had rather a wild youth. That is no secret. This is one of the least interesting pieces of footage I have seen."

Both Shepard and Joker stared at her. "The _least interesting_?" Joker said, forgetting for a moment that he was not supposed to be listening.

"I am afraid so." Samara said, a little defensively. She gave a sharp laugh. "I am so sorry. I feel the need to meditate on my past mistakes. Please excuse me."

"Don't mention it," Shepard said.

"I hope that you will not," Samara said with great dignity. "Good night."

She turned on her heel and left. Both Shepard and Joker watched her go. .

"I didn't expect that." Shepard said after a while.

"Me neither," Joker said unconvincingly. He turned back to the vidscreen. "Commander-you don't think we-"

"That would be inappropriate," Shepard said swiftly.

"You didn't even know what I was going to say!" Joker protested.

"I could guess. Besides, I think your shift is over," Shepard said.

Joker didn't need telling twice. He flicked the Normandy to auto and rose awkwardly from the console. "Goodnight, Commander?"

"Good night, Joker," Shepard said, staring out at the screen as the stars flickered past in an unending panorama.

Joker left Shepard and the stars behind. He limped down the long service corridor to the lift, one hand tracing the network of ducts in the ceiling in an attempt to steady himself. He reached his cabin without any major mishaps, sat down on his bunk and booted up his private console.

EDI flickered into life in the corner of his room. "Mr Monroe?"

"Yes, EDI," Joker said absently as his fingers skipped surreptitiously over the keys.

"The footage she mentioned. I can find the vid for you."

"You-" Joker bit back a curse. "You were listening?"

"I monitor everything aboard this ship," the AI said with dignity.

"I-that would be an invasion of Samara's privacy!" Joker said, then reconsidered. There was no point lying to an AI. If he followed up later, EDI would know. "Although it would be _awesome_."

EDI made a noise of satisfaction. Joker's console flickered. A list of vids shot up, most of them pay-per view. The top entry highlighted and Joker settled back into his bunk as the vid began to play. He caught a glimpse of a smooth blue back that could have been Samara's or any other asari's and slid one hand under the sheets in preparation before the asari vanished, replaced by a panorama of wrinkled grey flesh.

Joker squinted, trying to make out the details. The camera panned out slowly, to show...

...an elcor. And another elcor. The elcors were engaged enthusiastically in the sort of activity that Joker knew was required to produce little elcors but which he had devoutly hoped that he would personally see.

The elcors were wearing stiletto heels. It was the sort of image that, once seen, could never be unseen.

Joker gave a howl of pain as he stabbed the console off. "EDI!"

"Yes, Mr Monroe?" the AI responded. Joker thought he detected a hint of smugness in the AI's smooth tones.

"What did I ever do to you to deserve that?"

The AI winked in and out. Blue light rippled across the hologram. Joker found it hard not to interpret the motion as a blink. "I have no idea what you mean."

"Two words." Joker retorted. "Elcor penis."

The AI made a sound that was half way between a bug-zapper and a fart and winked out. Joker folded down the lid of his console and crossed his arms behind his head. The cool grey ceiling offered rather less stimulation than what he had been hoping for.

"EDI?" he said to the ceiling. "EDI, are you _jealous_?"

The silence that reverberated through the room said more than the AI could ever have.


End file.
